have a cold but feeling better

Hey all,
I've been focusing so much on my public blog that I'm neglecting this one.  Just to say that I have a cold, am in gorgeous Maine and in general am feeling better.

I still don't know the status of my marriage but this trip I am on has made the whole thing a bit easier to deal with as it's put an automatic pause button on the thing.  Also gives me time to feel through stuff without having to put words on it, which is good.

That's the other reason I haven't written much here, am in the time of allowing feelings rather than naming them right away...so many thoughts and sensations and they move a lot and I'm not falling into the temptation of trying to force them into a framework.

So, it's about staying open today....and every day I suppose.

Now to take a shower and a walk in the sun.

sad news...

looks like I will be separating from my husband...more weirdly enough on my public blog...but was feeling OK when posted that and now feeling pretty raw, devastated and like my face hurts.  can't sleep because I just start crying...I know I will be OK but right now the feelings are just pools of endless sadness.

it may not be the end, I know that, but it also may be...I feel like such a total failure on every level right now...

if you believe in that kind of thing, please pray for me, I need it right now.

love and blessings.

some scenes from childhood...

Some scenes from my childhood that I am afraid to share on my public blog but have to get out.  I feel like a loser because I can’t ‘out’ these things out of fear of harming my mother.  However, I also wonder if I’m just fucking myself over by some confessional urge…in any case, I will start by putting them here…

I am getting myself up and out to school, starting age 6.  Sometimes I also try to get my parents up to go to work.

At 10 I am left with a babysitter who almost kills me, and I respond to this by going to school and getting straight As.  I never mention anything about it and no one understands why when David saves me.  I end up feeling guilty for not having gotten myself out of this situation.

I am sitting at a booth in a restaurant with a man behind me groping me and bothering me.  I am about age 11 or 12.  I cannot move.  My mother is watching this and laughing.  She is drunk, stoned or both.

There are more and more men coming home with my mother when I visit from boarding school.  I finally freak out one night and she falls on the floor, crying and saying what a horrible mother she is.  When the man of that night says he will leave, she turns from me and begs him to stay.  

There is the slideshow my father shows when I visit him in California aged 13.  It starts off with leaves in trees and ends up with naked photos of my step-mother.  I sit paralyzed.  She finally tells him to switch off the photos.  He seems to not understand why.

I am naked in a bath with my first step-father.  He has an erection, I don't know what it is but I can see it.  Is my mother there?  She has no memory of this.  It goes blank after that.

OK, so...writing this makes me feel sick.  I feel I am not supposed to tell anyone any of this, even now.   I want to rush and explain a lot of this away, tell you my mother was an alcoholic at the time and is now completely different (which is in fact true), that she had me young (18) and has her own history of trauma (also true), that she is a good person not a monster (also true).  But first, I had to take the risk and tell you this.  I think when I press post today I may be sick...well on the private blog not so much but on the public one I would...