When I walked into my first AA meeting - age 23 - trembling, shocked, not knowing where the fuck I was or why. People it seemed to me wearing far too many pastel colors, though in reality it was probably just that everyone wasn't wearing black...but it was 1986, so maybe pastels...
Scared shitless, sure I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake but then that still, small voice saying calmly and persistently: stay. Just sit down and stay. This is where you belong. The running is over now. Just stay.
A week earlier I had gone to my first Al Anon meeting, which is for family and friends of alcoholics - because my mother kept saying I should try that because she had just begun AA herself after 2 disastrous years staying dry on her own, which led to a horrendous slip drinking a 'sip of champagne' that ended in drunkenness, a black out and a date rape.
I thought she was mad. But I was desperate. I walked into Al Anon and felt at home, people talking about feelings and thoughts I thought were only mine. And apparently no, millions felt that way, or at least the people in that room...
But without getting into all the details, that led me to AA, when I realized I too was an alcoholic, and because of that one moment, which for some weird reason stuck, I am still sober 25 years later, and alive. Sober longer than the young man I heard qualify at a writer's meeting tonight has been alive. He is 18 - and sober 3 years...and has as harrowing a story as anyone else in the room.
And he sounded just like my BCC kids I'm teaching now in the Bronx.
I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude...for being alive, for this fucking FREE program that saved my life and asks nothing in return - suggests I stick around for my own good and pass it on - but I could (and have) just fuck off and no one would come running after me. No money, no leaders...it just shouldn't work but it does and it saved my life and that of millions of other people.
How is it possible? These gifts? And why do I think I should have even the tiniest little bit to say about how my life should go when I have been given such a gift FOR FREE and with no strings attached. There is just nothing like it I've ever encountered on this earth.
There may be other things like it, but I've never seen it.
I have felt so sad at times over these past years due to losses of things, some of which have been large, but compared to this gift, they are small. I have been offered, was offered and was given the grace to receive a gift of life 25 years ago. And I am alive, still. And sober. And that just fucking amazes me.
Why me? I don't know. And I mean this in the 'why did I get this gift' way not the bring in the violins way. No one deserves it more than another and God/dess knows not everyone receives it. This will always remain a mystery.
And why do I get to now live in a Gorgeous part of NYC with bright orange red yellow leaves, a wetland, egrets, ducks, geese, eagles, bluejays, squirrels and all manner of beauty of rivers colliding, turning, churning still in Manhattan but the tip top tip and able to walk to work across a bridge over the Harlem River and I feel like Walt Whitman about this town which I love love love love love with a passion that makes no sense, which of course means it is love because why on earth would you love something any other way...and would it be love, no...
and I've sat through the loneliness and the discombobulation and there will be more of all that and the emptiness where Bill used to be and all of that...and there will be more but there is now also this - this sense of gratitude of joy of love and loving too the hardness of my work, the struggle to teach (sometimes and sometimes I just want to kill them all!) but then there it is - there they are - my kids. Not my kids but yes my kids...squirming out of seats, bilingual, English as a 2nd 3rd god knows what language, ADHD, learning disabled, freaking the fuck out, can't stop talking - 18-20 at a time, trying to teach of all things interpersonal communications...
and then the moments when at least one them Gets something and I cry almost, can't believe it - it's So Hard and I'm not writing writing...just dog paddling to keep up with my life cheered on in my heart by Rick Moody's words - no you don't need a writing schedule you just write when you can and the rest of the time: live. If you don't live what the fuck will you write about? Amen brother.
And there's even a cat, a cat I want to adopt who is still coming out of his shell in Washington Heights and who's original saver I've now met in AA of all things by amazing coincidence...
And so what could be better? To love where you live, what you do and to be so fucking grateful to be alive and love love love everything and everyone I see...I know this probably sounds almost delusional but it's not. It's real. And it's fantastic...
And it is REAL. There is nothing fake or fluffy about this. That's just amazing.
So thank you Universe all the gods and goddesses and all of you in my life who have manifested for this life of mine...I am so grateful to you All...
love...blessings...and more love....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
hello briefly
somehow I've managed to say most of what I need to say publicly or in a journal. I should have made this blog truly anonymous for truly private thoughts but did not, so other than family stuff from the past there's not much to write about in here. Except perhaps overt recovery stuff as well...
But for now, I have moved back to NYC and am starting a new life, which is occupying a lot of my time and thought and just keeping up with the most basics of that on my public blog has taken up all my time.
I may use this again at some point...
and just as an update on family stuff - my mother and current step father ended up apologizing for their response to my blog and told me it was a good thing, so am glad of that. My ex-stepfather did not budge and so we are not speaking right now. Not sure that's the best response but right now it's the only one I've got.
I haven't had time to write on a deeper level, am peddling old writing around right now and teaching a lot at a school, which is a college, but has a lot of remedial learning kids so it's a challenge.
I am definitely Occupied...speaking of which the most exciting thing in the world right now is Occupy Wall Street and its spawn...I've never felt so optimistic about politics like ever...not traditional politics but this movement - it's tenacious, striking a chord, telling the truth and not going away...
and, thank Christ, it's NOT ironic...it's real, committed and organic.
Amazing...didn't think I'd live long enough to see this happen.
All power to the Occupation.
be well.
But for now, I have moved back to NYC and am starting a new life, which is occupying a lot of my time and thought and just keeping up with the most basics of that on my public blog has taken up all my time.
I may use this again at some point...
and just as an update on family stuff - my mother and current step father ended up apologizing for their response to my blog and told me it was a good thing, so am glad of that. My ex-stepfather did not budge and so we are not speaking right now. Not sure that's the best response but right now it's the only one I've got.
I haven't had time to write on a deeper level, am peddling old writing around right now and teaching a lot at a school, which is a college, but has a lot of remedial learning kids so it's a challenge.
I am definitely Occupied...speaking of which the most exciting thing in the world right now is Occupy Wall Street and its spawn...I've never felt so optimistic about politics like ever...not traditional politics but this movement - it's tenacious, striking a chord, telling the truth and not going away...
and, thank Christ, it's NOT ironic...it's real, committed and organic.
Amazing...didn't think I'd live long enough to see this happen.
All power to the Occupation.
be well.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
let the rage begin
OK, so I've shifted back from my public blog to here for personal stuff because my goddamn family has attacked me for going public with the precious fucking family secrets - of abuse, alcoholism and the like. I am furious. So I'm no longer writing about it in public because I know one thing - this level of fury makes for really shitty writing. And it's ugly and I warn you now - if you can't fucking handle it, don't even bother reading this post. Really, it's fine because if I get any moralizing comments I might scream.
I was the victim of a brilliant good cop bad cop pincer movement that just fucking cornered me. We have my step-father (ex-step-father, the gay playwright one) attacking me, and I mean Attacking me by email, with an email that began and I quote "Fuck you, Julie..." and went downhill from there, telling me if I want to tell my incest story, I should take my second father to court and that my blog was a 'drink I had not thought through' among other choice shit.
Then, after telling my mother how angry I still was about some things because my current step-father chose to share an email with her I had sent to him that clued her into this not very well kept secret, she decided to back away, and that was fair enough, but then when I sent something about feeling her love, too, she sent me back an email saying she was glad and hoped this was the start of 'a new beginning' - which means: wherein I am suddenly not angry and don't feel compelled to talk about anything.
My current step-father meanwhile was accusing me of flogging my mother, which I think is completely unfair, and on and on and on...
Anyway, in the end, I decided that if I were to continue to try to talk about any of the past on my public blog it would be so infected with the anger I Now feel because of this blatant attempt at silencing me that I could no longer write about anything in a way that was not vengeful and because of the fucking principles of my fucking sobriety I can't get away with that shit and I know it.
God, I HATE that.
So, here I am back at my anonymous blog venting my spleen to probably some person sleepless in the Philippines or something wondering why on earth she's reading this bullshit and for that I do apologize. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Damn it damn it damn it...it's not bad enough children suffer abuse but then if those same children want Any kind of relationship with their parents afterwards they have to suffer this crap if they want to talk about it in public. This SUCKS.
And my husband has basically dumped me, just as background to all this, so I feel like dog shit anyway, and no word from him like ever asking if I'm OK or anything so it's just me alone and feeling like crap.
OK, not totally alone, there are some of you out there that have access to this blog who have been Fucking Amazing to me, incredibly loving and kind and supportive as I have Ranted and Raved and Ranted some more. And to you I am beyond words grateful and if it weren't for you, and most of you of course are in AA, because of course you are almost the the only people on the planet who can understand how it feels to go through all this crap without the anaesthesia.
Damn, am I ever fucking Glad I didn't let go of this blog and that I never stupidly linked it to the public one...Phew, do I need this place to rant and rave...as I wrote my painfully adult sounding professional blog post today I thought my shoulders would adhere to my neck permanently. Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCK.
OK, I have to now eat dinner because I keep forgetting to eat and then another inchoate panic starts rising in me about starving to death...I honestly think my blood cells start panicking.
My shoulders are still tight as shit but at least I don't feel like I will suffocate to death...and when I can FINALLY let this shit go meaning the RAGE I will attempt to write again about my background but I think probably in book form so I can get the story written and in a form I want before the fucking peanut gallery can throw their shit at me.
Damn, you know, I really, really, just wanted to let it out in the public blog and be done with it, but that is apparently not to be. I wish I could just shove them all over to the side and go ahead but right now, I cannot.
I am also not speaking to any of them because they scare me now and I don't want to any way appease them, though I am afraid by changing my public blog I have and I am flogging myself for being a wimp for doing so, but I do believe I have a right to protect myself, even though again I feel like a wimp. On the other hand, I don't want to be associated forever in the public eye with ranting and raving and am afraid that is what would happen...
Oh DAMN, I hate this...
OK, dinner and thanks for whoever made it through this whole tortured post for witnessing my rage. And for those of you who have done so in person...
peace and love to you all.
I was the victim of a brilliant good cop bad cop pincer movement that just fucking cornered me. We have my step-father (ex-step-father, the gay playwright one) attacking me, and I mean Attacking me by email, with an email that began and I quote "Fuck you, Julie..." and went downhill from there, telling me if I want to tell my incest story, I should take my second father to court and that my blog was a 'drink I had not thought through' among other choice shit.
Then, after telling my mother how angry I still was about some things because my current step-father chose to share an email with her I had sent to him that clued her into this not very well kept secret, she decided to back away, and that was fair enough, but then when I sent something about feeling her love, too, she sent me back an email saying she was glad and hoped this was the start of 'a new beginning' - which means: wherein I am suddenly not angry and don't feel compelled to talk about anything.
My current step-father meanwhile was accusing me of flogging my mother, which I think is completely unfair, and on and on and on...
Anyway, in the end, I decided that if I were to continue to try to talk about any of the past on my public blog it would be so infected with the anger I Now feel because of this blatant attempt at silencing me that I could no longer write about anything in a way that was not vengeful and because of the fucking principles of my fucking sobriety I can't get away with that shit and I know it.
God, I HATE that.
So, here I am back at my anonymous blog venting my spleen to probably some person sleepless in the Philippines or something wondering why on earth she's reading this bullshit and for that I do apologize. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Damn it damn it damn it...it's not bad enough children suffer abuse but then if those same children want Any kind of relationship with their parents afterwards they have to suffer this crap if they want to talk about it in public. This SUCKS.
And my husband has basically dumped me, just as background to all this, so I feel like dog shit anyway, and no word from him like ever asking if I'm OK or anything so it's just me alone and feeling like crap.
OK, not totally alone, there are some of you out there that have access to this blog who have been Fucking Amazing to me, incredibly loving and kind and supportive as I have Ranted and Raved and Ranted some more. And to you I am beyond words grateful and if it weren't for you, and most of you of course are in AA, because of course you are almost the the only people on the planet who can understand how it feels to go through all this crap without the anaesthesia.
Damn, am I ever fucking Glad I didn't let go of this blog and that I never stupidly linked it to the public one...Phew, do I need this place to rant and rave...as I wrote my painfully adult sounding professional blog post today I thought my shoulders would adhere to my neck permanently. Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCK.
OK, I have to now eat dinner because I keep forgetting to eat and then another inchoate panic starts rising in me about starving to death...I honestly think my blood cells start panicking.
My shoulders are still tight as shit but at least I don't feel like I will suffocate to death...and when I can FINALLY let this shit go meaning the RAGE I will attempt to write again about my background but I think probably in book form so I can get the story written and in a form I want before the fucking peanut gallery can throw their shit at me.
Damn, you know, I really, really, just wanted to let it out in the public blog and be done with it, but that is apparently not to be. I wish I could just shove them all over to the side and go ahead but right now, I cannot.
I am also not speaking to any of them because they scare me now and I don't want to any way appease them, though I am afraid by changing my public blog I have and I am flogging myself for being a wimp for doing so, but I do believe I have a right to protect myself, even though again I feel like a wimp. On the other hand, I don't want to be associated forever in the public eye with ranting and raving and am afraid that is what would happen...
Oh DAMN, I hate this...
OK, dinner and thanks for whoever made it through this whole tortured post for witnessing my rage. And for those of you who have done so in person...
peace and love to you all.
Monday, August 1, 2011
How to Piss Off Everyone in Your Family....
So, my public blog has managed to totally piss off two of my step-fathers and in the process of communicating with them freak out my mother and I cannot believe that telling my own story, and not Even the worst bits has to create all this drama in their minds.
The good news is that it's not going to stop me writing but somehow I don't want the public blog to become all about this so am writing about it here. I can't believe how much of an unwritten rule I have now broken. It is this: we will love you as long as you don't say anything about all the abuse that You suffered in public. Even though it's My story, my stepfather keeps calling it 'outing' people. I'm not Outing anyone, I'm not a journalist but a human being telling my story.
A good friend today said their over-reaction tells of their guilt and I think she's right. Plus they are protecting their own feelings and their own parents and their own 'reputations'...but to my mind, this becomes an episode of forget the abuse 'what will the neighbors think'.
Dear God...and now I don't have a fucking clue what To write on the public blog for today...I guess I could go through the beginning of the day wherein I cried for 2 straight hours over my husband leaving. That's always good for a laugh.
Dear God...I really really don't know what to do.
But I need to figure out something as I am committed to writing every day. I had no idea I was putting my relationship with my family at risk, but if so, so be it...Nothing is worth living in silence anymore.
Please pray for me and my voice, that I don't get cowed and go along with the unwritten rule.
Oi.
Oh, and I wrote an email full of rage to my mother, because I've always tried to be so 'reasonable' about everything, and I threw all my rage at my absent father...but this time, lucky her, she got some. I just can't fucking take it anymore, protecting her, protecting fucking everyone from my real feelings and what it was actually like to be an incest survivor, be abandoned many times, left with a woman who almost killed me and etc etc...it just goes on...and Then have to be fucking forgiving about it all and Reasonable when talking about anger and kind of apologetic.
Can't do it anymore. I'm done.
That seems to be the running theme of my life right now: I'm done.
Wonder what begins to happen now as I let go of all the old stuff?
We'll see.
The good news is that it's not going to stop me writing but somehow I don't want the public blog to become all about this so am writing about it here. I can't believe how much of an unwritten rule I have now broken. It is this: we will love you as long as you don't say anything about all the abuse that You suffered in public. Even though it's My story, my stepfather keeps calling it 'outing' people. I'm not Outing anyone, I'm not a journalist but a human being telling my story.
A good friend today said their over-reaction tells of their guilt and I think she's right. Plus they are protecting their own feelings and their own parents and their own 'reputations'...but to my mind, this becomes an episode of forget the abuse 'what will the neighbors think'.
Dear God...and now I don't have a fucking clue what To write on the public blog for today...I guess I could go through the beginning of the day wherein I cried for 2 straight hours over my husband leaving. That's always good for a laugh.
Dear God...I really really don't know what to do.
But I need to figure out something as I am committed to writing every day. I had no idea I was putting my relationship with my family at risk, but if so, so be it...Nothing is worth living in silence anymore.
Please pray for me and my voice, that I don't get cowed and go along with the unwritten rule.
Oi.
Oh, and I wrote an email full of rage to my mother, because I've always tried to be so 'reasonable' about everything, and I threw all my rage at my absent father...but this time, lucky her, she got some. I just can't fucking take it anymore, protecting her, protecting fucking everyone from my real feelings and what it was actually like to be an incest survivor, be abandoned many times, left with a woman who almost killed me and etc etc...it just goes on...and Then have to be fucking forgiving about it all and Reasonable when talking about anger and kind of apologetic.
Can't do it anymore. I'm done.
That seems to be the running theme of my life right now: I'm done.
Wonder what begins to happen now as I let go of all the old stuff?
We'll see.
Monday, July 25, 2011
I'm over at my public blog mostly
Hey folks,
I just want you to know I'm posting every day at my public blog and so this one is suffering consequently. If anyone wants to know that address, feel free to leave a comment with an email or a way to contact you, and I'll give it to you. Unfortunately, I need to keep this one private so can't disclose my identity publicly here.
In case you can't do that, just to check in briefly - the separation with my husband has happened, it's horrendously painful and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life now - as in what country to live in and suchlike. I am working on my writing but mostly just blogging and trying to sort through emotional shitstorm...also hoping to get some work soon. Not sure of anything basically...
On the other hand, have lots of wonderful friends and support that way and so don't feel alone even though it's a lonely journey...
the old joke: when one door closes, another opens but in between is a long dark hallway. That'd be where I am right now.
Blessings to you all.
I just want you to know I'm posting every day at my public blog and so this one is suffering consequently. If anyone wants to know that address, feel free to leave a comment with an email or a way to contact you, and I'll give it to you. Unfortunately, I need to keep this one private so can't disclose my identity publicly here.
In case you can't do that, just to check in briefly - the separation with my husband has happened, it's horrendously painful and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life now - as in what country to live in and suchlike. I am working on my writing but mostly just blogging and trying to sort through emotional shitstorm...also hoping to get some work soon. Not sure of anything basically...
On the other hand, have lots of wonderful friends and support that way and so don't feel alone even though it's a lonely journey...
the old joke: when one door closes, another opens but in between is a long dark hallway. That'd be where I am right now.
Blessings to you all.
Monday, June 20, 2011
have a cold but feeling better
Hey all,
I've been focusing so much on my public blog that I'm neglecting this one. Just to say that I have a cold, am in gorgeous Maine and in general am feeling better.
I still don't know the status of my marriage but this trip I am on has made the whole thing a bit easier to deal with as it's put an automatic pause button on the thing. Also gives me time to feel through stuff without having to put words on it, which is good.
That's the other reason I haven't written much here, am in the time of allowing feelings rather than naming them right away...so many thoughts and sensations and they move a lot and I'm not falling into the temptation of trying to force them into a framework.
So, it's about staying open today....and every day I suppose.
Now to take a shower and a walk in the sun.
I've been focusing so much on my public blog that I'm neglecting this one. Just to say that I have a cold, am in gorgeous Maine and in general am feeling better.
I still don't know the status of my marriage but this trip I am on has made the whole thing a bit easier to deal with as it's put an automatic pause button on the thing. Also gives me time to feel through stuff without having to put words on it, which is good.
That's the other reason I haven't written much here, am in the time of allowing feelings rather than naming them right away...so many thoughts and sensations and they move a lot and I'm not falling into the temptation of trying to force them into a framework.
So, it's about staying open today....and every day I suppose.
Now to take a shower and a walk in the sun.
Monday, June 13, 2011
sad news...
looks like I will be separating from my husband...more weirdly enough on my public blog...but was feeling OK when posted that and now feeling pretty raw, devastated and like my face hurts. can't sleep because I just start crying...I know I will be OK but right now the feelings are just pools of endless sadness.
it may not be the end, I know that, but it also may be...I feel like such a total failure on every level right now...
if you believe in that kind of thing, please pray for me, I need it right now.
love and blessings.
it may not be the end, I know that, but it also may be...I feel like such a total failure on every level right now...
if you believe in that kind of thing, please pray for me, I need it right now.
love and blessings.
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