So, my public blog has managed to totally piss off two of my step-fathers and in the process of communicating with them freak out my mother and I cannot believe that telling my own story, and not Even the worst bits has to create all this drama in their minds.
The good news is that it's not going to stop me writing but somehow I don't want the public blog to become all about this so am writing about it here. I can't believe how much of an unwritten rule I have now broken. It is this: we will love you as long as you don't say anything about all the abuse that You suffered in public. Even though it's My story, my stepfather keeps calling it 'outing' people. I'm not Outing anyone, I'm not a journalist but a human being telling my story.
A good friend today said their over-reaction tells of their guilt and I think she's right. Plus they are protecting their own feelings and their own parents and their own 'reputations'...but to my mind, this becomes an episode of forget the abuse 'what will the neighbors think'.
Dear God...and now I don't have a fucking clue what To write on the public blog for today...I guess I could go through the beginning of the day wherein I cried for 2 straight hours over my husband leaving. That's always good for a laugh.
Dear God...I really really don't know what to do.
But I need to figure out something as I am committed to writing every day. I had no idea I was putting my relationship with my family at risk, but if so, so be it...Nothing is worth living in silence anymore.
Please pray for me and my voice, that I don't get cowed and go along with the unwritten rule.
Oi.
Oh, and I wrote an email full of rage to my mother, because I've always tried to be so 'reasonable' about everything, and I threw all my rage at my absent father...but this time, lucky her, she got some. I just can't fucking take it anymore, protecting her, protecting fucking everyone from my real feelings and what it was actually like to be an incest survivor, be abandoned many times, left with a woman who almost killed me and etc etc...it just goes on...and Then have to be fucking forgiving about it all and Reasonable when talking about anger and kind of apologetic.
Can't do it anymore. I'm done.
That seems to be the running theme of my life right now: I'm done.
Wonder what begins to happen now as I let go of all the old stuff?
We'll see.
WOOWHOO. I think you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteChange, real change is the hardest thing. Really taking risks to get there, is something most adults never really ((do)).
congratulations.
Sending the love.
thanks...you know how much you have helped me with all this. keepin on keepin on...and as you've probably seen, writing about it some on public site too...oi but the sadness too...love back at you, and gratefully received, too. I do feel it, believe me.
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