let the rage begin

OK, so I've shifted back from my public blog to here for personal stuff because my goddamn family has attacked me for going public with the precious fucking family secrets - of abuse, alcoholism and the like.  I am furious.  So I'm no longer writing about it in public because I know one thing - this level of fury makes for really shitty writing.  And it's ugly and I warn you now - if you can't fucking handle it, don't even bother reading this post.  Really, it's fine because if I get any moralizing comments I might scream.

I was the victim of a brilliant good cop bad cop pincer movement that just fucking cornered me.  We have my step-father (ex-step-father, the gay playwright one) attacking me, and I mean Attacking me by email, with an email that began and I quote "Fuck you, Julie..." and went downhill from there, telling me if I want to tell my incest story, I should take my second father to court and that my blog was a 'drink I had not thought through' among other choice shit.

Then, after telling my mother how angry I still was about some things because my current step-father chose to share an email with her I had sent to him that clued her into this not very well kept secret, she decided to back away, and that was fair enough, but then when I sent something about feeling her love, too, she sent me back an email saying she was glad and hoped this was the start of 'a new beginning' - which means: wherein I am suddenly not angry and don't feel compelled to talk about anything.

My current step-father meanwhile was accusing me of flogging my mother, which I think is completely unfair, and on and on and on...

Anyway, in the end, I decided that if I were to continue to try to talk about any of the past on my public blog it would be so infected with the anger I Now feel because of this blatant attempt at silencing me that I could no longer write about anything in a way that was not vengeful and because of the fucking principles of my fucking sobriety I can't get away with that shit and I know it.

God, I HATE that.

So, here I am back at my anonymous blog venting my spleen to probably some person sleepless in the Philippines or something wondering why on earth she's reading this bullshit and for that I do apologize.  But don't say I didn't warn you.

Damn it damn it damn it...it's not bad enough children suffer abuse but then if those same children want Any kind of relationship with their parents afterwards they have to suffer this crap if they want to talk about it in public.  This SUCKS.

And my husband has basically dumped me, just as background to all this, so I feel like dog shit anyway, and no word from him like ever asking if I'm OK or anything so it's just me alone and feeling like crap.

OK, not totally alone, there are some of you out there that have access to this blog who have been Fucking Amazing to me, incredibly loving and kind and supportive as I have Ranted and Raved and Ranted some more.  And to you I am beyond words grateful and if it weren't for you, and most of you of course are in AA, because of course you are almost the the only people on the planet who can understand how it feels to go through all this crap without the anaesthesia.

Damn, am I ever fucking Glad I didn't let go of this blog and that I never stupidly linked it to the public one...Phew, do I need this place to rant and rave...as I wrote my painfully adult sounding professional blog post today I thought my shoulders would adhere to my neck permanently.  Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCK.

OK, I have to now eat dinner because I keep forgetting to eat and then another inchoate panic starts rising in me about starving to death...I honestly think my blood cells start panicking.

My shoulders are still tight as shit but at least I don't feel like I will suffocate to death...and when I can FINALLY let this shit go meaning the RAGE I will attempt to write again about my background but I think probably in book form so I can get the story written and in a form I want before the fucking peanut gallery can throw their shit at me.

Damn, you know, I really, really, just wanted to let it out in the public blog and be done with it, but that is apparently not to be.  I wish I could just shove them all over to the side and go ahead but right now, I cannot.

I am also not speaking to any of them because they scare me now and I don't want to any way appease them, though I am afraid by changing my public blog I have and I am flogging myself for being a wimp for doing so, but I do believe I have a right to protect myself, even though again I feel like a wimp.  On the other hand, I don't want to be associated forever in the public eye with ranting and raving and am afraid that is what would happen...

Oh DAMN, I hate this...

OK, dinner and thanks for whoever made it through this whole tortured post for witnessing my rage.  And for those of you who have done so in person...

peace and love to you all.

How to Piss Off Everyone in Your Family....

So, my public blog has managed to totally piss off two of my step-fathers and in the process of communicating with them freak out my mother and I cannot believe that telling my own story, and not Even the worst bits has to create all this drama in their minds.

The good news is that it's not going to stop me writing but somehow I don't want the public blog to become all about this so am writing about it here.  I can't believe how much of an unwritten rule I have now broken.  It is this: we will love you as long as you don't say anything about all the abuse that You suffered in public.  Even though it's My story, my stepfather keeps calling it 'outing' people.  I'm not Outing anyone, I'm not a journalist but a human being telling my story.

A good friend today said their over-reaction tells of their guilt and I think she's right.  Plus they are protecting their own feelings and their own parents and their own 'reputations'...but to my mind, this becomes an episode of forget the abuse 'what will the neighbors think'.

Dear God...and now I don't have a fucking clue what To write on the public blog for today...I guess I could go through the beginning of the day wherein I cried for 2 straight hours over my husband leaving. That's always good for a laugh.

Dear God...I really really don't know what to do.

But I need to figure out something as I am committed to writing every day.  I had no idea I was putting my relationship with my family at risk, but if so, so be it...Nothing is worth living in silence anymore.

Please pray for me and my voice, that I don't get cowed and go along with the unwritten rule.

Oi.

Oh, and I wrote an email full of rage to my mother, because I've always tried to be so 'reasonable' about everything, and I threw all my rage at my absent father...but this time, lucky her, she got some.  I just can't fucking take it anymore, protecting her, protecting fucking everyone from my real feelings and what it was actually like to be an incest survivor, be abandoned many times, left with a woman who almost killed me and etc etc...it just goes on...and Then have to be fucking forgiving about it all and Reasonable when talking about anger and kind of apologetic.

Can't do it anymore.  I'm done.

That seems to be the running theme of my life right now: I'm done.

Wonder what begins to happen now as I let go of all the old stuff?

We'll see.