Happy New Year and all that

Hi everyone,

Haven't had time to write since last time because of travel chaos getting back to where I live and now have a lot to do, but am wide awake late my time as jet lag hasn't quite lifted and now that my husband is away across the world and I'm alone, I drift into my late night ways...apparently some people are biologically night people.  If so, I'm one of them.  However, I also have to get up tomorrow relatively early so hope writing this will send me off to sleep.

I'm excited, scared, overwhelmed and then weirdly peaceful all at once.  The past few days I've walked through sound barriers of self-hatred and whackiness and then just plain delusional bullshit.  This Friday will be the anniversary of my father's death and on the 28th was the death of my last cat, who was almost 20 years old when she died.  And the grieving has come out all sideways.  Not to mention my husband leaving for 3 months, which kicked up a shitstorm of it's own.

However, I'm also weirdly peaceful at times and people keep telling me how good I look, relaxed and rested etc. which I find so weird.  It just shows me that I don't know what's going on half the time and as usual my head is way crazier and more judgmental of me and my actions than anyone else is. 

It was hard to leave my family home because my step-father was in a bad way when we left but I was glad to have been there and asked if they wanted me to stay and meant it.  That was not necessary but I cried a lot the night before we left, afraid I wouldn’t see my step-father alive again.  I hope I’m wrong and just projecting stuff about my father onto him.  Unlike my father, my step-father from when he and my mother got together when I was 16-17, has been present and accounted for in my life.  He was my mother’s 4^th husband, so girls 4 times is a charm!  FYI, my mother married 4 times and my father 3 times and had a 4^th life partner when he died.  Neither of them ever had any other children.  Imagine my confusion.

So anyway, it’s an interesting time.  I go from deep calm to a sense of panic and being overwhelmed by the Tasks at Hand…but then again just said yes to an invite to do a completely frivolous and wonderful-sounding thing with a friend on Saturday because I realized trying to do my taxes the day after the anniversary of my father’s death or indeed anything ‘logistic’ is probably insane.  This is a miracle people.  It means even with everything going on, I’m not totally in thrall to my workaholism.  Thank Christ or Whomever.

I’m also doing my creative work in the whirlwind and that is deeply important.  And I’ve also taken weirdly to drinking Diet Coke sometimes, something my AA sponsor does and others do and I’ve always sniffed at and yet what’s in my fridge now?  Diet Coke.  Weird.  Peer pressure, I blame all of You who Drink Diet Coke for this…scary.

Have been spending my time applying for stuff, some of which – a lot of which – are very competitive and may well bring rejection but also, and this I have to begin to accept, may bring success as well.  As my sponsor says “you don’t know”.  And she’s right and I’d love to be able to just stay there.

Battling a lot with feelings of failure that come and go and when they are here, and I think they are so virulent now because my mother, when I was young, framed my father as a failure (as did a number of ex-wives of his btw…), I think the Failure tag is just hanging there.  Plus I’m 47 and so at that age where if I don’t ‘make it’ in a certain way pretty soon, I’ll have to begin wondering if I’ll be labeled an also-ran, has-been, coulda been a contendah, etc…However, I’m not going to dwell on this now as it’s a sleeping dragon that when woken takes me out.

And as someone said at an Al-Anon meeting I was at tonight, practicing these principles means practice and when we’re not practicing ways of freedom or happiness, we are ‘practicing’ anger or impatience or in my case endless worry.  So if I give that stuff too much airtime, I’m practicing Fear of Failure and I don’t want to practice that anymore.  The best antidote is doing my creative work but I also need to keep on top of some other tasks like applying for things that can bring in money to make it possible…because as I enter into the assessment phase of my teaching, I remember again why I hate teaching.  I don’t hate teaching, but I do hate the admin part of it and having to grade students and argue with other lecturers about the grades, etc.  It’s soul destroying and has Nothing to do with art at all in my not so humble opinion.

So the goal this year: learn how to put myself first.  Meaning self-care so others don’t have to piece me back together again.  And find a way back into making enough money from my own work to not have to depend on teaching income because that shit will drive me mad.  I have accepted teaching work for the spring, and will do that but hope, pray, and dance around whatever Maypole or statute in hopes some of what I am putting out into the universe will work because I do believe, I really do that by now, I deserve to get paid properly for what I do and have done for over 30 years now.

Anyone who believes in such things, please pray for me that this is so…and also spare a thought for me on Wednesday when I have to go get an MRI.  I think I’m OK but was getting dizzy a lot for a while (that’s gone away) and so having my Head Examined.  Here’s hoping it’s all kosher.  My Head that is.

OK, past even my bedtime now.  Wishing you a wonderful 2011 and upcoming Year of the Rabbit – which is supposed to be a nice year than Year of the Tiger, which is ending now.  Tiger tears things apart (even if it’s necessary it still is painful) and Rabbit’s apparently a bit chill.  It’s also my birth year so here’s to the Rabbit cycle no. 5 upcoming….