Hi everyone. So, I’ve let go of a huge part of my life for the past 7 years, namely a theatre company I started. And whilst I feel very sad about this, I also feel a profound sense of relief. I am focusing now on my writing and feel like I’m finally on the ground again and living the life I want to live rather than one I’ve felt obliged to live. My AA sponsor’s response to all this was: you sound like you’ve been de-institutionalized and indeed I have.
I have a short story almost ready to submit to some places. Waiting to do one last edit and also see if I can get some feedback from a couple more people before I do that, but was given a ‘deadline’ by someone I met online to send it out by April 12 to one place. So I will do this, because that sounds right.
I’m embarking on some new other projects that are larger but also feel peaceful and right. I may even start a blog with my name on it, but not sure about that yet. We’ll see.
I feel strong and like I’m living the life I would want to be living if I found out I had terminal cancer. I know that sounds extreme but it’s always my test as to whether I’m living properly or not. And I could not say that for many years. I had a theatre company a while back that also ended and when that happened I said to myself ‘I’ll never do That again’ and felt the way I feel now – much happier and relieved, though sad to let go of something I had worked so hard to build. Apparently, I had to do some more research in this area…and I can only pray to the gods and goddesses of Good Sense that I don’t feel the need to research this area again. I know I suck at producing and doing admin. I knew it before and I know it again. I hate it. So, clearly some masochism takes over…I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m glad to be back and focused on something that is Not a group sport and able to put my name on a creative process without worrying about it. I think I may be far too codependent in the end to be a good theatre director. Not sure about that, but I worry. I think I’ve gotten better on that score, but still…anyway, for now, for now, it’s the writing. And what a relief.
And it’s scary too because now I have no excuses for Not doing it, and I think even writing this blog is a bit of a feint to avoid some writing today if I’m honest. But we’ll call this writing for now….
Have not heard back from the step-father mentioned in last post and don’t expect to hear from him. Realize now writing the letter was the important part not the response. I have one last thing to do in the outside world to finally come to peace with everything, that involves someone from my more recent past, and as I know I’m willing to have that meeting and conversation, that’s enough, don’t have to force it.
Will most likely end therapy on schedule at end of April consequently, as I feel quite strong and even when I’m whacked off-beam, I seem to be able to find my own way back. This is a great feeling. Interestingly too, now that I feel at home with myself, I find myself caring a lot less about where I live. At home is about me not the outside world. Amazing. I remember a yoga teacher saying something to that effect and thinking yeah right whatever, but I think now she’s right. Again, what a relief…
And it’s Spring! And there are flowers all over my back garden and wild flowers in the un-mowed grass and it’s just lovely. I feel the seasons so much more the older I get, it’s so interesting that. I feel the light and darkness shifting and really take in the changing of the seasons. The light has been spectacular the last few days, twilight extraordinary and organge pink red sunsets over crappy shopping malls…and the sunset wins, thank God/dess.
Oh and I taught some lovely young people on Saturday – was dreading it actually, but then remembered, I love this age group and I did. I taught them some of my theatre techniques and they rocked the house. 16 year olds are the best. I found it easier teaching them than university aged students. They are open, willing, able, fearless…lovely, lovely, lovely. So that was just exciting and a real bonus prize.
OK, off to the ‘real writing’ now…she said bravely. Hope whoever is reading this is well and happy. Things can change, this much I know. Thanks for reading and listening.
No comments:
Post a Comment