feeling much better now

Hi folks,
Just a note to say that sitting through the blues has done the trick as usual...that and doing some writing and cleaning my office and enjoying the weather...also burned a bunch of papers that had to do with some counseling I did around my abortion a while back, and then planted the ashes underneath a plant a friend gave me in the garden.  This felt right and like it unlocked some energy that was quite stagnant and had to do with lingering guilt and shame.  Only afterwards did I realize it was Easter and somehow this seems appropriate as the counseling was by a lovely but somewhat Christian lady who I think figured the only way to recover from abortion is to repent.  This was a weird situation and one I decided to walk through because of my Baptist background, and I think it was the right thing to do, but I think in some ways it made me feel worse, so the point is burning all the writing I did for that seemed right...releasing energy trapped in an unhealthy process and releasing the remnants of guilt and shame.  And it worked, which is amazing.

Also, feeling more and more grounded by the day in what I am doing...sometimes feeling sad about the theatre company but then all I have to do is think about what I would be having to do right now to keep it going and then poof the regret is gone.  It doesn't mean I won't do theater again but it does mean I'm done with this manifestation, and that's OK.  Also realizing how many writing ideas I have and how many projects I want to work on so this is clearly the path...

Right now editing down the piece I posted here about my father's death.  I may send it out for possible publication, and it would need to be half the length, so it's turned into an excruciating and incredibly good writing exercise to do this.  I worked for about 6 straight hours on it yesterday and did not finish, but felt a sense of accomplishment somehow...I think I will need to do this mix of the long projects and the short ones.

So I'm basically feeling quite good, and in a simple way.  Freer than in ages and like I'm doing what I'd be doing if someone told me I had terminal cancer.  This is a very good feeling.  Today was about cleaning on many levels and that seems right too...

Onward we go...feeling rooted in some firmer soil,  amazing...I am just amazed...

Happy Easter!  or Passover or Whatever it Is you celebrate...It's a lovely day.

the public and private dilemmas...

hey there,
So now I've made it more public letting go of my theatre company and it feels quite vulnerable and like i've given in to the forces of darkness or something.  like I'm Cool Hand Luke and this time just gave up on the fight, so it's not a fun feeling.
I am continuing my writing, which is good, but also overwhelmed with how much I still have to learn in this arena.  i've written one kind of thing and now doing something else, stretching way past a comfort zone so that feels vulnerable and scary too.
and i'm realizing again that of course being vulnerable, really being vulnerable is scary and uncomfortable. I think I used to believe in some kind of controlled vulnerability or something, but that's bullshit.  So I am really out here now, really feeling naked and like I'm in one of those horrible dreams where you can't remember your lines or are naked or don't know what to do, except it's real.  Scary.
I have had a huge realization though in the midst of all this massive uncomfortableness...(otherwise known in the English language as discomfort, but there you go...I'm such a writer...hmpf)...
- pause for skype conversation with husband in yet another foreign city  - and back:
so the realization - is that the reason I ended up here in a place as weird as the UK, if you happen to be American and a writer and therefore used to a certain idiom that then makes no sense where you happen to live now, etc., etc...- is that I needed to get to the place I am now: no props or lighting effects to show me in a certain light of my choosing so you can like me and affirm me in a certain way, etc.  In other words, it's up to me to generate my own oxygen.  I think traditionally people have this realization when they are approximately 2 1/2 years old.  I'm just 45 years late is all.  There are reasons for that, but the fact is I missed that crucial stage of development and whilst embarrassed it's taken this long I'm relieved it's happened at all.  This means perhaps I don't have to live my life as an unconscious codependent and can allow things to fall as they may...and that means me as well as other people.
There's a slogan in AA (there are lots of them and they sound dumb but they hide wisdom weirdly enough...) 'Live and let live.'  I got the 'let live' part ages ago but I forgot the 'live' part, and so the 'letting live' was happening in bad faith with an unconscious wish for the person I was so 'generously' letting live to help me live.  None of this was overt, stated or in any way asked for by me, except in this really underhanded (even to myself) way...this is the tricky bit about denial.  It's actually denial.  You don't know it until you know it.  Scary shit.  I find it excruciatingly embarrassing that it happens when I'm sober as well.  OK, if you're drunk or officially a mess, but sober, in therapy and 'recovery', meditating, doing yoga, you name it and STILL this nonsense...but there you go.  I think it may be called being human, but I also think in my case this change is crucial, and I am grateful for the realization.
So thank you UK for leaving me here bereft of my props, lighting, sound effects and clever little tricks... it's fucking scary but now I have a bat's chance of actually living.  Life begins at 47 or whatever...
OK, got to get ready for yoga now.  I hate going but I always feel better when I've done it...

Into the World! Scary...

Hey there,
a brief post to say that I have just sent out my first short story to a journal for publication.  The last time I sent out a short story I was 14 years old and it was a Christmas story contest at our local newspaper.  I won that contest and even received some money.  Haven't had the guts since!  Sent it to a publication I've read since the 1990s and never even dared dream would publish anything I wrote.  I now feel nauseous.  However, I have sent it out there, into the Big Bad World...scary, scary...

Wanted to say this out loud and hoping moral support will get me through the nerves of waiting for a response.  Mostly, you have to submit these things to one place at a time.  This means I have to have patience (ha!) and begin work on the big project I want to start and have photos all over my room to begin. Now just have to - well - start.  And finish!  I have 3, count them 3! unfinished novels sitting around.  So, this one, I am scared of starting lest it end up in the Incomplete section as well...

OK, enough for now...enjoy the Spring!

Enormous changes for the better....

Hi everyone.  So, I’ve let go of a huge part of my life for the past 7 years, namely a theatre company I started.  And whilst I feel very sad about this, I also feel a profound sense of relief.  I am focusing now on my writing and feel like I’m finally on the ground again and living the life I want to live rather than one I’ve felt obliged to live.  My AA sponsor’s response to all this was: you sound like you’ve been de-institutionalized and indeed I have.

I have a short story almost ready to submit to some places.  Waiting to do one last edit and also see if I can get some feedback from a couple more people before I do that, but was given a ‘deadline’ by someone I met online to send it out by April 12 to one place.  So I will do this, because that sounds right.

I’m embarking on some new other projects that are larger but also feel peaceful and right.  I may even start a blog with my name on it, but not sure about that yet.  We’ll see.

I feel strong and like I’m living the life I would want to be living if I found out I had terminal cancer.  I know that sounds extreme but it’s always my test as to whether I’m living properly or not.  And I could not say that for many years.  I had a theatre company a while back that also ended and when that happened I said to myself ‘I’ll never do That again’ and felt the way I feel now – much happier and relieved, though sad to let go of something I had worked so hard to build.  Apparently, I had to do some more research in this area…and I can only pray to the gods and goddesses of Good Sense that I don’t feel the need to research this area again.  I know I suck at producing and doing admin.  I knew it before and I know it again.  I hate it.  So, clearly some masochism takes over…I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back and focused on something that is Not a group sport and able to put my name on a creative process without worrying about it.  I think I may be far too codependent in the end to be a good theatre director.  Not sure about that, but I worry.  I think I’ve gotten better on that score, but still…anyway, for now, for now, it’s the writing.  And what a relief.

And it’s scary too because now I have no excuses for Not doing it, and I think even writing this blog is a bit of a feint to avoid some writing today if I’m honest.  But we’ll call this writing for now….

Have not heard back from the step-father mentioned in last post and don’t expect to hear from him.  Realize now writing the letter was the important part not the response.  I have one last thing to do in the outside world to finally come to peace with everything, that involves someone from my more recent past, and as I know I’m willing to have that meeting and conversation, that’s enough, don’t have to force it.

Will most likely end therapy on schedule at end of April consequently, as I feel quite strong and even when I’m whacked off-beam, I seem to be able to find my own way back.  This is a great feeling.  Interestingly too, now that I feel at home with myself, I find myself caring a lot less about where I live.  At home is about me not the outside world.  Amazing.  I remember a yoga teacher saying something to that effect and thinking yeah right whatever, but I think now she’s right.  Again, what a relief…

And it’s Spring!  And there are flowers all over my back garden and wild flowers in the un-mowed grass and it’s just lovely.  I feel the seasons so much more the older I get, it’s so interesting that.  I feel the light and darkness shifting and really take in the changing of the seasons.  The light has been spectacular the last few days, twilight extraordinary and organge pink red sunsets over crappy shopping malls…and the sunset wins, thank God/dess.

Oh and I taught some lovely young people on Saturday – was dreading it actually, but then remembered, I love this age group and I did.  I taught them some of my theatre techniques and they rocked the house.  16 year olds are the best.  I found it easier teaching them than university aged students.  They are open, willing, able, fearless…lovely, lovely, lovely.  So that was just exciting and a real bonus prize.

OK, off to the ‘real writing’ now…she said bravely.  Hope whoever is reading this is well and happy.  Things can change, this much I know.  Thanks for reading and listening.

the letter to the abuser routine....

Hey there,
So just realized when sending an email to a friend that I should make this public.  I've sent a long letter to my first step-father, the sexually abusive minister one.  I have many step-fathers if you don't know that already, so making a distinction here.  I asked him to fill in the blanks for me, as I have many blanks.  I have no idea if he will do this or, more likely, deny everything, or what.  I haven't laid eyes on this man since I was 13 or 14.  Hadn't seen him since I was 6 before that.  Even at 13 or 14, I thought, wow he's just this older man, not intimidating at all.  He had been this giant scary person when I was little.  I remember a story he told then, when I was a teenager, about handing in a paper at university to a teacher and realizing he would either fail or get an A because it was so controversial, what he had done.  He got an A, of course (which is of course why we would be hearing the story) and I took that on board.  As kind of a guiding principle my whole life.
This is the weirdest thing about this person in my life.  His politics were very left-wing and absolute at the time.  We had to go to Canada to get meat that was less imperialist and he yelled at his congregation/s for saying they were Christians and supporting the Vietnam war (we had to move all the time because he would get kicked out of the churches consequently, by the Trustees who were none too pleased to be lectured at by their supply pastor).  I remember all of this, and anyone who knows me now would recognize certain features...so it is odd that he was also the most abusive person in my early childhood in many ways.  I think people leave imprints in many ways.
So I have reached out to this person, in hopes of the blanks being filled - what, so I will be whole?  I suppose this is my hope.  Is it a a vain hope?  Perhaps.  There is an icy tundra in me, I feel it at times acutely and I want it to melt...but at times, like now, it feels like perma-frost.  my therapist keeps assuring me I am moving forward that these are toxic feelings coming up and I hope she's right.
I'm also somewhere between paranoid and just plain weirded out by my relationship with others right now.  Afraid that the dark times I'm in are alienating people...then finding out directly from some that my way has been difficult for them...no overt hostility but a kind of impending sense of doom, that I am not a good friend somehow or failing even in this...it's weird though because I have other friends where that is not the case at all.  however, in the state I'm in now anyone with a negative view of me wins the contest for who am I 'really'....and those with whom I can share things honestly and openly, well that just gets thrown by the wayside, which is of course deeply unfair.
Right now, I must say, the folks who I can relate to best tend to be in AA, which makes sense, as I think we are all more forgiving of each others' foibles in general and understand more than most where the jagged edges come from...but that's not entirely true either...
Oh, the shame in writing this!  The sense that I'm saying I'm a horrible friend and others don't like me so I will be shunned by the other girls in school like when I was little...WOW, amazing that that shame is still there, lo these many years later...
And of course the shame of the abuse when I was too little for school and we lived in rural countryside where there was no one to see or hear what went on...the attempt to hide that damaged child, the permafrost...seeing her in there now, suffocating wanting out, not knowing how to allow it to happen, how to warm up the ice.  Christ on a stick this is hard.

Not sure if writing this will help or hurt but writing it anyhow...this was the original point of this blog being anonymous to let out what could not go anywhere else.

A friend said who does the same it's outwarding rather than inwarding and I think she's right.  I've probably already written that here before but so be it.

OK, out into the wilderness with this...before I chicken out.

darkness visible...

So, have been going through a very dark time but after therapy yesterday realized that of course it's feelings from when I was very little and could not afford to have those feelings.  They manifest in me today as being 'beyond help' but of course this is indeed how I was a little girl and infant 'beyond help' - because no one was there to help, no one could even if they wanted to as they did not have the capacity - both my parents being alcoholics and quite young and no one else knowing what to do or trying to do things they thought were right only making it worse.
My step-father, later on, was sexually abusive and we were stuck in rural Maine moving all over the place, moving targets, left-wing, righteous, etc.  I was 3-6 years old and helpless...not 'powerless' but actually helpless and my higher power, whatever s/he is couldn't help me either.  I was truly alone.  This is the feeling I've been having recently in a 47 year old body, which is mighty uncomfortable and manifests in fun ideas such as 'you're such a failure' and other such constructive thoughts and feelings.  The feeling sense is being in a fog, with no ground or horizon and yet quite heavy and leaden...an oppressive fog - which is of course not dissimilar from London weather, so at least I can feel at one with nature as it were.
I am writing all this now in hopes it can help someone else going through a similar time because I know when I'm in the middle of it, it just feels horrendous and very real (the feelings are real of course, but the reality field is a bit wonky in terms of age and circumstance) and I felt at times these past couple of weeks that it would never pass.  I am apt to fall into it again as it's obviously some necessary part of the healing process but just Knowing it's that already lightens the load considerably.
I have not gone into workaholism, which blows my mind.  I am going about basic tasks and am now back to eating OK.  I was eating not so well for a bit but that seems to have passed.   For now.
I have been rejected for two residencies, but for one was at least encouraged to apply again next year, so will take that as a good thing.  The other was the generic kiss off.
Will be teaching my workshop at a conference tomorrow that I've been asked to contribute to, so that is a good thing.  Paid as well.  Hurray.
The other good news about the residency rejections is that I will be able, in theory anyway, to spend more time with my husband, who is now away until April.  I say in theory because there is every chance he'll keep having to travel, but at least this way there is a chance.
It's raining out but I feel so profoundly relieved to have some sense of what's going on with me, that's OK too...and it gives me a good excuse to sit inside, enjoy the well-heated cozy little place I live and count my blessings, starting with: at least I don't live in Japan right now.
Blessings to all and courage, too, to walk through the darkness.  It does make us stronger.  My analogy right now is that Downton Abbey (yes I watched it, I confess - my neighbors gave me the DVD, that's my excuse...) where the sober drunk valet throws away this horrendous contraption he's had on his leg to attempt to make it straighten.  He hides the pain until the head housekeeper forces him to show her his leg, which is bloody and blistering from the screws of this metal cage.  It's her compassionate witness and horror at his pain that allows him to throw it in the river and begin the process of accepting himself as he is.
So that is another wish for all of us: compassionate witnesses who help us shuck off false attempts to fix ourselves in the image of so-called 'normal' brought to us by either local or transnational ideas, sponsored by Pepsi or provincialism...throw off the horrendous metal contraptions!  All we have to lose are our chronic wounds.

Sundays...

hey there,
not sure what I'm going to write about but wanted to say hello out there.  Am working on some writing again, which is good and walked through a pretty dark week after feeling very grateful and light the week before.  Am doing a kind of experiment, which is to not force myself out of this space but instead allow it to be and see what happens.  And even though feeling weirdly vague and unfocused not hopping into some kind of organizing and self-exhoration routine...seeing what emerges organically.  I'm afraid of course that I will fall into some kind of morass and never come out but we'll see.  So far, seeing some interesting results, some rigid ideas being exposed as such and some writing coming into clearer focus tho glacially slowly.  I would like for once to not have the sneaking suspicion I'm doing work of whatever kind, including creative, to just get out of a funk.  Maybe that's too purist of me, don't know.

Anyway, if any of you out there have any experience of this kind of experiment, I'd like to know of it.  And what, if anything came out of it or if you gave in and fed the hungry ghosts of Puritan Work Ethic or Ideas of What One Should Be...etc.  I'd love to stop feeling like food for the undead, if you know what I mean.  I've even had good work come out of me, but I still feel I could go deeper, get to something better by sticking with this somewhat dour experiment.

Or am I just nuts?

Could be.

Also, a shout out to Japan and all the poor people who are suffering or have died and hoping that after this the Japanese will finally be done with nuclear energy.  Of all people, you'd think they would not have drunk the kool-aid on that one after WWII and all.  Dear God.  As Oppenheimer himself said 'I am become death the destroyer of worlds.'  Indeed.

On the other hand, the other lesson from all this is even more simple: prepare all you like, be a wealthy nation and still you are powerless over forces larger than yourself.  Someday I will learn to accept this for real and at that moment I will become happy.

peace out and all that kinda thing.