Sad Mad Not Glad

Maybe it's Tuesdays and post-therapy don't know but very sad...also a new friend the other week told me about her still-birth and that was very sad.  I'm mad at God, Goddess, It, Whatever...have feelings whether rational or not of being 'punished' and sick of hearing people saying to me in dulcet tones 'you've had a bad few years haven't you?' as if this is some revelation.  No one means it that way, it's meant to be sympathy but because of the twisted space I can get into it feels shameful when I hear it.

Reading Job recently, no joke, Book of Job, to wrap my soul around this stuff and it's helpful actually, in that weird Old Testament kind of way...and then someone reminded me tonight at an AA meeting of a prayer I repeated that I had heard which is 'It is.  Thank you.'  And that helped.

But still I'm mad, really mad, because for all of my yammering on about allowing for a Higher Power's will etc. in the end I'm pissed off that I'm in peri-menopause and don't have a child and I feel insanely guilty for not having done artificial stuff and also for not wanting to jump into adoption, which Everyone mentions.  And it just makes me feel guilty.

My therapist would tell you this is all Good news because I'm Feeling it and I think Fuck You Bitch, I don't want to Fucking Feel it!  Even if I know it's good for me, etc., etc...Fuck Off!  And I feel this Rage these days when I do yoga, which is hilarious and true and means I'm closer to my body and then I feel this Need to Express my Rage and don't know how the Fuck to do that and feel I'm supposed to Liberate Myself by running down a road Screaming and feel too self-conscious to do That so feel ashamed and there I am on my therapist's fucking carpet, well the room in the Building Where Therapy Happens, staring at it, feeling about 3, wanting to be taken care of, wanting to disappear, wanting something Anything to take these feelings away and as per usual I am Stone Cold Sober...

and Nothing is going to take the fucking feelings away...like ever apparently.

I'm reading, by the way, not a cheery book but a fucking great one which I can't believe I haven't read before called The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers and all I can say is if you haven't read it, read it.  It's a gift from God - the good one, the one I don't Fucking Hate right now...

AAAAiiiiiEEEEE
etc.

I'm writing again, that's the good news, not just here but in two other places...a probable stage text and another thing about my ex-husband and me called 'The God Thing' - anyone who knows that story will understand the title.  If you don't, wait for the book (she said hopefully) - it will come out anonymously and will be called 'The God Thing'...if I ever Fucking finish it...The names will be changed to protect the guilty and innocent all of whom could be harmed....

I am So Angry...I'll bet that comes as a huge surprise to y'all.  I know this is all Good for Me, but honestly I feel like a lost 4 year old and it's scary, sad and scary and sad.  I have to remember I have an adult present and writing this blog is somehow so weirdly healing...I don't even understand why and like who cares...it's working right at this moment as I'm writing this.

Those of you who read this I wish I could explain to you how much that means, though I have a feeling putting this out there no matter what is the point.

I pray to the Powers that Be, that my anger can send a flame through the darkness and that I will be able to let it go but also let it be...that I don't do extra damage by demonizing myself for these feelings and that I find a way to make peace with it all, not in some fake pseudo-spiritual way but in a real way...not to let anyone off the hook who actually harmed me or who has harmed others but so I can stop feeling all this rage, which at this point, let's face it, is only hurting me.  And if the price of that is letting the motherfuckers off the hook then so be it, but there better be a Damn good reason.

Signing off, in rage and solidarity with Whomever...