of holidays and that vague sense of melancholy

so, there's nothing bad happening here, well except for my step-father having a back fracture and being in a ton of pain and my mother who has a series of illnesses trying to care for him while my husband and I are trying to be helpful by cooking and cleaning and such...
and I feel melancholy and wonder why...hmmm...I remember this from my last visit in September too.  It's all under the surface, everyone putting on a good front and all that.  I'm also scared shitless about an MRI coming up but not telling anyone especially my parents as I don't want to add to their burdens, so lucky you who read my blog...here it is.
Also the anniversary of my cat dying on Dec. 28 and my father dying on Jan. 7 coming up and all that makes me feel light-headed...plus the feeling I should stay here and take care of my parents but knowing they won't ask etc.  Probably should have gotten to an AA meeting yesterday but did not and friends coming around soon so little chance of that today.  And then sometimes I wonder if it's all just a selfish desire to change my feelings and perhaps this feeling of melancholy just needs to be accepted.
on the good news front, someone is interested in working on one of my texts for the theatre, who like isn't me, so that will be interesting if it happens.  Also in a part of the world I've never had any dealings with on the West Coast so that is also interesting...
dealing also with feelings of Sheer Exhaustion also coming on now...somehow feeling overwhelmed with both sadness and tiredness so I think it's time to take a nap before enforced socializing takes place.
I hope you and yours are having a good holiday time and if not, remember, this too shall pass.
From the land of moose and snow,
be well.

a peaceful day

a note to mark a peaceful day.  one in which after meditation I realized for a variety of reasons, I'm actually an OK person and that underneath all of my obsessions and worries usually lies a germ or mountain of self-hatred.  Somehow that is beginning - just for today - to dissipate and for that I am profoundly grateful.  I am taking better care of myself and enjoying the peacefulness of a rural part of the country in the snow.  I am even enjoying being home for the holidays, which in and of itself feels like a miracle.  No sense of self-surrender or exhaustive need to hold boundaries but instead just a sense of peace.
had weird dreams last night and glad to have woken up from them.  the other day a dream of someone walking out of a video projection and the projection staying on them somehow or was it the other way around?  In any case, something quite interesting.
there are ducks on the pond swimming and on ice.  there is peace for today and for that I am grateful.  these are the joys of living so simple...
blessings to all for the holidays and New Year.  I wish you all the peaceful knowledge that you are OK.  This may sound kind of lame but for me it's a revelation.

on the train again...

hey everyone,

so I'm on a train again.  feeling quite drained and going between feeling that's OK and then thinking it's weird and distressing.  have some big medical tests upcoming so I'm somewhat frightened.  On the other hand it's been a bitch of a year, I've been traveling a lot and now going up to my parents' house where my stepfather has just come back from the hospital with a back fracture.  In other words, an Al Anon forest fire.  Also sad about some recent misfires in what I had hoped would be a nice reunion.  Am still not clear about whether to continue this blog or not or go anonymous purely but for now I'm still here.

And yes for anyone who wonders about the exhaustion thing, I will be getting checked again for anaemia, thyroid etc. am scared I will end up with chronic fatigue like my mother has but hoping not.  Something about the whole physical business I find scary.  Also I find when others judge me in any way, or I feel I'm being judged, I get scared.  I think this is a hold over from childhood stuff.   Where to be judged was to be punished.

listening earlier to Gertrude Stein talking about her work and I loved how she rebuffed the 'it's incomprehensible' criticism by basically saying, no, it's not.  And the way she answered, with such wit and ability to turn around the question to her advantage, I envy that.  Just had a meeting with someone about a possible show and find myself sometimes so inarticulate or somehow thinking I have to have an answer for every question or assuming if someone asks if I will have a so and so or such and such person I need to have that person already lined up.

By now, by now, by now I think I should be Over this...sigh.

It's snowing outside...first time I've seen snow here.  Where I live now that usually does not have snow has been deluged.

Well my friends I wish I had something more interesting to say but fear not...except that I'm angry that my country of origin wants to assassinate a guy who is the messenger (Wikileaks) rather than examine itself and am happy that my adopted country is filled with angry people right now who are protesting a lot.

I am praying for my sense of health and well-being to return and for some answers about where I should focus my energies...and if there is some retreat I should go on or something along those lines for that to be shown to me...and at the very least some serenity and not a freak out and fighting whatever needs to be healed.  I am I can say fighting a feeling of doom - that no matter what I do ever something bad happens or that because I feel I'm through the grieving for my father therefore now someone else will have to die or I will be sick or something.  A Job complex in short.

I'm writing a lot about Job these days.  

OK, getting close to end of train journey so will wrap this up.

Please send me healing energies if you believe in such things.

love and blessings for the winter solstice

a quick hello

Hi, have been very busy with various projects so haven't had time to write.  The good news they are mostly creative, the bad news is there are too many of them.
Saw students perform last night and that was gratifying, lots of people RSVPing for a new showing of work I'm involved with and that too is gratifying.
As for the deeper emotional territory, I can't go into that right now for a variety of reasons, but as my last post was what it was, I wanted to write something to update it.  Sometimes I find in creative work a way to work through stuff that no other more 'direct' work does.
FYI, I may also shut down this blog soon, as I'm having second thoughts about it.  If that happens, I will write a farewell post.  But for those of you who have done so, thanks for listening/reading non-judgmentally.