hey everyone,
so I'm on a train again. feeling quite drained and going between feeling that's OK and then thinking it's weird and distressing. have some big medical tests upcoming so I'm somewhat frightened. On the other hand it's been a bitch of a year, I've been traveling a lot and now going up to my parents' house where my stepfather has just come back from the hospital with a back fracture. In other words, an Al Anon forest fire. Also sad about some recent misfires in what I had hoped would be a nice reunion. Am still not clear about whether to continue this blog or not or go anonymous purely but for now I'm still here.
And yes for anyone who wonders about the exhaustion thing, I will be getting checked again for anaemia, thyroid etc. am scared I will end up with chronic fatigue like my mother has but hoping not. Something about the whole physical business I find scary. Also I find when others judge me in any way, or I feel I'm being judged, I get scared. I think this is a hold over from childhood stuff. Where to be judged was to be punished.
listening earlier to Gertrude Stein talking about her work and I loved how she rebuffed the 'it's incomprehensible' criticism by basically saying, no, it's not. And the way she answered, with such wit and ability to turn around the question to her advantage, I envy that. Just had a meeting with someone about a possible show and find myself sometimes so inarticulate or somehow thinking I have to have an answer for every question or assuming if someone asks if I will have a so and so or such and such person I need to have that person already lined up.
By now, by now, by now I think I should be Over this...sigh.
It's snowing outside...first time I've seen snow here. Where I live now that usually does not have snow has been deluged.
Well my friends I wish I had something more interesting to say but fear not...except that I'm angry that my country of origin wants to assassinate a guy who is the messenger (Wikileaks) rather than examine itself and am happy that my adopted country is filled with angry people right now who are protesting a lot.
I am praying for my sense of health and well-being to return and for some answers about where I should focus my energies...and if there is some retreat I should go on or something along those lines for that to be shown to me...and at the very least some serenity and not a freak out and fighting whatever needs to be healed. I am I can say fighting a feeling of doom - that no matter what I do ever something bad happens or that because I feel I'm through the grieving for my father therefore now someone else will have to die or I will be sick or something. A Job complex in short.
I'm writing a lot about Job these days.
OK, getting close to end of train journey so will wrap this up.
Please send me healing energies if you believe in such things.
love and blessings for the winter solstice
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