For anyone who actually reads this, I am sorry for such a long time between posts. It has been a very full time recently, not all bad, some very good but the kind of thing where there's no time to keep up a blog.
I have been working a lot, teaching and such and also working with my artistic process. Until today my husband has been home, which has been great but also means I have less time to myself. I have found out he will be gone for three months next year and had a number of responses to that from sad to feeling quite OK about having time to myself, so like usual, a mixed bag. My big discovery was though that when I allowed myself the sadness and didn’t judge it, it lifted enough so I could see the good side. Whenever I judge feelings as bad or unworthy or scary or whatever, they get stuck and I can’t move past them.
I’ve also had to face recently and much to my horror how many resentments I actually still hold. I think of myself as being so rigorous, etc. but then I see they really can pile up, the resentments and I see more and more how I feel I will be run over and turned to mush if I don’t keep them. For someone who has been in recovery for ages this is quite humbling. But it also makes sense.
I am also aware now of some people reading this blog so find myself somewhat more shy because of that. Don’t know what to do about it but just saying it outloud and hoping that will be helpful.
I have a medical exam coming up on Tuesday and am somewhat terrified of that. It’ll probably be fine but its gynecological and involves instruments and some level of pain so not fun. Also a bit afraid of what they might find, though probably it’s just a fibroid, already known and some polyps. The fun of being female just never stops. Also I am having longer and more sustained hot flashes – already! – and I find this kind of sad, though I also have this other weird reaction – especially in winter – of oh good I’m not always so cold. A kind of pride at being one of those people who can wear t-shirts in the cold. Perhaps I should go into construction or start wearing short skirts to nightclubs in the middle of a snow storm. Whaddya think?
Oh, I’ve had this horrendous realization recently that I do the thing I’ve always judged other people so harshly for, which is steer clear sometimes of people that I feel others may have a negative opinion of…not in the larger social sense but in the micro-sense. So in other words: person A I’ve decided I respect and like a lot and they have a negative feeling about person B, who I know somewhat and perhaps have a neutral or positive feeling towards. I then find myself subtly moving away from person B in response to the opinion of person A…etc. Isn’t that horrendous? It makes me feel very ashamed so I’m writing about it here as a way of kind of admitting ‘the exact nature of my wrongs’ as Step 5 says. This same movement can happen within myself, too. Say Person A thinks x emotion or kind of art or whatever is good and y emotion or kind of art is bad…again, I can ever so subtly watch my feelings shift about this stuff. Again, horrendous! Shameful!
And all based on: fear. Fear that I am not worthy, not trust-worthy, can’t trust myself or my own opinions, feelings, etc. Again, this seems So basic and like something I should be ‘over’ by now. And if you knew me and what I do, you’d think: what? No! but it’s true, I know it is. I think it’s why I’m so picky about friends or anyone I get close to because I know how influenced I may be by them. And the even weirder thing is: if I feel something strongly in me and defend it, I feel as if I am ‘being defensive’ – so it’s hard to feel where to stand.
Now having said all this, I must add that I don’t do any of this as much as I used to do, and seeing it is a start to letting it go and probably means I already have begun to let it go…in fact haven’t really done this stuff in a while, but it makes me see why I resent it So much if I see anyone else doing this kind of thing. And I know I’m capable of back-sliding at any time, especially when feeling afraid.
Other things I resent: people who I perceive are more successful than me, people who have things I want and don’t have (sometimes materially but often other stuff too, more intangible), people who don’t like me, people who ignore my artistic work, people who look down on me because I’m from another country, not being heard properly, not being acknowledged, being disrespected, the Tories, the Tea Party, the Democrats, Republicans, Labor, etc...
And what I am doing about all that is this: praying for all these people, daily and over and over again even though it makes me nauseous. Why? To be free of it. I am sick of being a slave to my resentments. I am sick of being afraid of letting them go. I’m sick of feeling hypervigilant and like a boxer who always has to be ready to lash out.
Even in this crazy fucking global capitalist horror show, I don’t want to be kept in a box of eternal anger. Not because it’s ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or even unjustified but because I want to be free of it. If I can choose it OK but if it’s a knee-jerk reaction that is eating me alive, no, it’s not OK.
I am beginning with some positive work I am doing that is too hard to describe in words but has to do with connecting with some inner delicate place that I am allowing to emerge and involves play, I am finding some part of me that is not up for grabs and doesn’t have to do with stupid social status games and the like mentioned earler, that part of me that lived inside a nuclear bunker until I could allow her out. Amazingly, she is still there. She would have had to go into hiding pretty much from the gate, so I am amazed she exist and she is connected to something so much larger and in her I see the universe and it’s extraordinary…
And as I connect more with her, the other shell stuff falls away and I can ‘name it and shame it’ and begin to let it go. And that protection I discovered in the shamanic healing is also helpful here because I know that is real too. Because the fact is in the past I was attacked and attacked badly, so I cannot feel safe if I don’t feel there is any recourse to protection…
Now time to sign off and make calls to people who I have been neglecting in my mad schedule.
Would love to hear from any of you if you have any comments.
The only way I have found to deal with resentment is to give up caring about whatever the subject of that resentment is. This is a lengthy process of gradual withdrawal, and inevitably a little sad. The resulting detached state leaves me disconnected, but I am trusting the connections to return in new or at least altered forms, albeit slowly. Eventually I may find out if this is a process of accepting defeat or building strength. Either way I am happy with it as I hate to feel resentful, essentially for political reasons. This frees me up to appreciate the work of others and the independence that they exercise in this world. If in our hostile environment anyone can find something useful to do (without damaging others), it is truly a result.
ReplyDelete(None of this implies it is 'bad' to rage against someone or something when you are feeling down! It simply offers me a way to attach the least importance to these out-of-sorts feelings and move a bit more swiftly back to the bigger picture.)
thanks for this and sorry it took a while to post. the setting is I have to moderate comments on postings over 2 weeks old because of spam issues otherwise. but please do feel free to continue to comment and they will get published. I think resentment is a tricky one and rage/anger is different than it, don't you? In my experience resentment is usually the product of anger not dealt with or suppressed and it comes out all sideways. I still find it tricky for many reasons, but agree that however one does it, letting go is most necessary. However, in my experience more easily said than done. Also it helps when I do step work (from 12 steo program) and look at my part - even if my part is sticking around for abuse and I don't have any 'fault' other than that... or even if there is no fault at all, still holding on is like as one person said in a meeting once, setting yourself on fire hoping someone else will put you out. But still I have a hard time with it and can feel if I let go of a resentment I will be screwed over. even tho the opposite is true...ok, gotta go to bed now. but thanks so much again for thoughtful comment
ReplyDeleteYou have no faults, only aggravated fault lines.
ReplyDeleteAgree, the rage rages and the anger burns, and low-level resentment is easier to identify and therefore in theory should be possible to clear. Not really sure where it comes from though, have often thought that we are taught to feel it to 'keep us in our place'. I say this because many people seem to be at the mercy of it (especially noticeable in London), except those who have sailed to the top of their game without being hindered by too much weight. They seem to radiate good stuff, and it is infectious.
I feel for you, and send wishes to let you let go.
Stay sweet. And when not possible, sour can be put to good use in certain dishes.....