Loneliness...

OK, so I didn't expect to be awake this late tonight and certainly didn't expect to be writing in the blog again so soon, but woke up or didn't sleep because feeling crampy from procedure and freaking out about if something went wrong and uterus perforated and that brought back the whole surgery I had in 2006 to be able to get pregnant in the first place and the nightmare of that recovery, which was followed by the miracle of pregnancy which was followed by the trauma of a miscarriage the day after my wedding...another surgery followed and no more pregnancies and now I'm too old for that to happen most likely and that whole train, along with my husband being away just made me cry and cry and cry...and I have to be up early tomorrow morning and I don't want to be awake and I don't want to be typing this but I can't think of who to call or should say the one person I felt I could call was not in and so here I am typing into the void into a place I don't know if anyone reads, well I know a couple people do but where I'm feeling increasingly lonely because no one comments on the blog even if I get back channel comments, and I know that sounds pathetic, etc...
So that's the state I'm in here at 1:45am my time.  Nice, huh?
I just feel lonely and sad, sad, sad that I don't have a baby and probably won't and don't have any family here where I live now at all and my husband is away a lot and I just feel lonely, lonely, lonely.  When at the hairdresser today the woman cleaning my hair asked if my family lived here and I said no and she had assumed I had brothers and sisters, which I don't and her whole family lives here, 6 brothers and sisters on one road and I almost burst out crying.  I feel so incredibly alone.
I have amazing friends here and everything but no one I feel I can call late at night when I feel like this, and I had those friends where I used to live and maybe even do here but I don't know who they are and I feel too remote from my friends now in my old home city to call them in this state and I know I can't call my husband in this state because phones and him don't work so well and so I just feel alone and lonely and this is a boring, boring post consequently.
Sorry for that, but felt this was my best chance of not ignoring this feeling or just crying my eyes out alone in bed.  Maybe a blog is the weirdest place to do this, I don't know...we'll see.
Heard an interview with Mike Leigh about his newest film and the woman acting in it about how loneliness is the most taboo thing, you can talk about anything else but this...so of course here it is on this blog.  Wish in a lot of ways I never told anyone about the blog because it's fucking embarrassing along with being excruciating, and I feel so ashamed...
I guess my only hope here is that I am not in fact alone and that others feel this, have felt this or at least can empathize.  I hear in that statement an anger, the anger of a child demanding parental love and that's even more embarrassing.
So here it is folks, me uncut, grieving, sad...sad, sad....
please send prayers if you believe in that sort of thing because I could use them.